Reviews (12)

Trashy! Ridiculous! Awful Performances! DON'T MISS IT!
This movie is so bad, it's good!

Without giving away the wacky concept behind this mess, "The Lonely Lady" has all the appearances of being a made-for-TV movie produced sometime around the late seventies/early eighties, with some superficial nudity thrown in for good measure. Definitely a period peice.

The characters are so two dimensional, it's almost like watching lip-syncing cardboard manikins. Pia Zadora's squirrelly acting style is particularly amusing. The storyline is sort of nonexistent.

So Martha S. says here's what to do in order to make this occasion a cheery holiday funfest: Have a low-rent party!!! All you have to do is make a batch of fruit punch and spike it with MD 20/20 or some other cheap wine; Whip up some Hors Deuvers made of Ritz crackers, Spam and Cheez Whiz. Fry up some Okra!

Then, get a copy of the other Pia Zadora Epic, "Butterfly", invite all your freinds over, and have a Pia Zadora Film Festival... So what's not to like?

An American Classic
Don't listen to all of those stuffy movie critics and people who ripped on this movie without even watching it. If they had their way, we would watch nothing but endless reruns of foreign films (w/ subtitles) and hapless domestic productions that are short on action and long on boredom.

This HOLLYWOOD rags to riches story was truly inspiring! Pia Zadora gives an Oscar worthy performance while displaying all of her assets (no pun intended).

In short, if there is one movie you see this year, "The Lonely Lady" should be tops on you list.

Sometimes your in the mood for that
Don't listen to all the uptight reviewers who say this movie is awful. People need to lighten up. I hardly think Pia and company were aspiring to great art here; instead they've created a deliciously tacky movie that has plenty of sex, drugs, and campy acting. Sometimes your in the mood for that, you know. p.s. pia's body is to die for.

Glop!
This was one of those movies I watched on cable one night when I was a kid and my parents were not at home and It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen so vapid and trite and stupid! A pile of glop!

Total "Camp" Classic!
I didn't like this movie much when it was released back in 1983. Over the years it has sort of grown on me. I seemed to always catch it playing on TV and couldn't stop watching it. Recently, I saw it on TV, and figured I might as well buy it on video since I like it so much. The copies I purchased here in Canada from a record store were awful, and was I able to find a clean playing copy that was new on the internet. It's basically about an up & coming writer that sleeps here way to the top and meets a lot of unscrupulous people along the way. It's a drive-in movie through & through. Lots of nudity, violence, and a really lame script, but it has a certain charm that I can't put my finger on. If you like 'B' movies, this one is a must have for your collection. ... Read more

Amazon.com essential video

John Waters made his bid for PG respectability with this enjoyably trashy comedy about the racial integration of a teen dance show on Baltimore television in the early '60s. Waters, as always, makes a virtue of junk culture and the powerful emotional forces it can represent as kids vie to get on the show. Meanwhile, a parade of former stars (Pia Zadora, Debbie Harry, Sonny Bono) and pseudostars (Divine, Ricki Lake) cross the screen, playing freakish characters absorbed by thoughts of fame. (Waters himself turns up as a weirdo psychiatrist.) This transitional film for Waters is rough going at times and not as interesting or funny as his later features Cry-Baby and Serial Mom, but it's worth a look. --Tom Keogh ... Read more

Reviews (48)

Very Endearing
The sad life of Tracy Turnblad is explored in this biting satire set in pre-intergrated Baltimore.

Tracy (Ricki Lake) and her best friend Penny Pingleton (Lesley Ann Powers) spend each afternoon watching the homegrown hit 'The Corny Collins Show' on television,dreaming of one day dancing the Mash Potato or the Frug there.

Tracy's mother (Divine) does not really think her child will amount to anything,and Penny is constantly being punished (her parents make her wear a big 'P' on her blouse).

However,the charmed life of Amber von Tussle,the most popular dancer on the Show,seems too good to be true,despite commemts by Tracy and Penny (''Stuck-up little spastic'' and ''She is such a queer''). Amber also has the brass ring,that of teen heart-throb Link,who also appears on the Show.

Amber's parents are power-mad and drive Amber to ridiculous lenghs to be popular.They are played by Debbie Harry and Sonny Bono.

Soon,Tracy does get to appear on the show,and lands her dream-hunk Link.

A great comedy,with a yummy soundtrack and a real edge to it that does not marr the overall story.

Also featuring Mink Stole as the cue-card holder on the Show (''Falsies! '') and Pia Zadora as a way-out beatnik chick.

Soon,Tracy

'Hairspray' full of tawdry, tacky fun
John Waters' first real attempt at "mainstream" fun is a trashy and critically-acclaimed delight. Set in (where else?) Baltimore during the Civil Rights era, Hairspray is chock-full of stars, mini-stars, and people who just wanna give it a go at being a star.

The story follows young Tracy Turnblad (pre-talk show Ricki Lake) on her rise to being "big, blonde, and beautiful" on a popular teenage dance show. Along the way, however, she runs into some friction from high school brat Amber Von Tussle (Colleen Fitzpatrick, also known as pop star Vitamin C) and her parents, a racial obscenity-spouting mother (Debbie Harry) and a slick politician papa (Sonny Bono). Add in growing discontentment among the city's black populace over whites-only establishments, and you have an explosive mix made even more explosive by how off-the-wall it becomes.

Dance enthusiasts will appreciate the film for its selection of early 60s fad dances like the Mashed Potato and the Madison. Offbeat and fun, Hairspray also has an excellent soundtrack with some obscure songs you'll be hard-pressed to find in another compilation.

Forever Quotable!
Tracy Turnblad is described by her contempories as "a fat trash can," "teenage Jezebel hair hopper," "a whore, (who *I heard* made out in a car - naked!)," "adopted," "white trash or maybe high yellow" or even "mulatto!"... with "roaches in her hair!".... But they're all just hatin', because Tracy is also "the best white dancer in Baltimore" and "a modern teen" that believes in integration! Tracy competes for the dancing queen crown - and also for the leading man - against none other than Amber von Tussle, a "stuck up spastic" who is "*such* a queer," that she makes Tracy's mom ashamed to be white! There's a lot of (funny) trash talkin' goin' on, because a lot is on the line....

The competition between Tracy and Amber, and by extension integrationists and segregationists, will make you feel good, tap your toes, laugh out loud a lot, and cheer. Hairspray's "bad taste" moments are funny as heck, and piece together for a movie that epitomizes good taste -- kind, empathetic, and with a wonderful heart! The music and dancing are just *amazing*! And the fashions and bright colored sets are life-affirming perfect! (Is it just me, or did these early 60's fashions *strongly* influence the early 80's styles?.... Debbie Harry, Ric Ocasek, and Pia Zadora fit in perfect). In the excellent dvd commentary, director John Waters says the sets and styles are realistic for the times. What a bright, bold, fun, cool (when "cool" was cool), forward-looking time! Tracy's mom has a picture of Jackie Kennedy framed on the wall :-). Mom says, "It's the times. They are a-changin'. There's something blowing in the wind. Fetch me my diet pills, would you hun?"

If Hairspray ended with "Where are they now?", Tracy might be a Senator from Maryland, or the Governor, ... or more!! 5 stars as I stand in my chair applauding. Hairspray's bright fun is worth watching many times.

Very Good
The movie Hairspray is Very good. I watched it when I was about 10 and I loved it. My dad keeped telling me to move so he could watch tv and I didn't so I got grounded and after that I have looked for it but I haven't been able to find it until about two months ago now I have it and watch it everyday. I also went to see it live. It was great.

A campy, feel-good film carrying an important message
I think it's safe to say that Hairspray is a unique motion picture. The film, while providing nonstop fun and laughs throughout, also manages to not only confront but to roll right over prejudice in several of its nefarious guises. I was a teenager when this film came out, and sadly, it was the death of Divine (just before the movie was released) that made me aware of this film. I don't know if that publicity helped or hurt ticket sales - Divine, for those who have never heard of him, was famous for playing female roles, and Hairspray had begun to rejuvenate his whole career. As for the film, it's extremely campy in the best of ways, overflowing with great singing and dancing from the early 1960s, and it is the type of film that makes you feel good after you watch it.

Ricki Lake plays Tracy Turnblad, a big, bold, and beautiful teenager who dreams of dancing on the exceedingly popular Corny Collins dance show. Her mother, played by Divine, isn't too crazy about modern music and dancing - until Tracy auditions and gets a spot on the show. Strutting her stuff in front of the cameras, she quickly becomes Baltimore's newest sensation. This does not sit well with Amber von Tussle (Colleen Fitzpatrick), as Tracy steals her man and then threatens to win the coveted title of Miss Auto Show 1963. Tracy is overweight, but she likes herself just as she is and easily dismisses the fat jokes thrown her way early on. The big issue in this film, though, is segregation. Tracy and her best friend Penny Pingleton (Joann Havrilla) soon become friends with some of the black kids in town and begin working toward integrating the Corny Collins show. Collins is all for the idea himself, as currently the Negro show runs only once each month under the controls of sassy Motormouth Mabel (Ruth Brown). The station manager will not hear of integration, though, and Penny's mother is aghast to find out that her daughter is in love with an African-American. This is 1962, of course. The whole segregation issue becomes the basic foundation of the movie as it dances its way to the end, making Hairspray a wonderfully entertaining film with a serious message behind it.

The film is blessed with many interesting cast members. Divine plays not only Mrs. Turnblad but also the station manager, Jerry Stiller plays Mr. Turnblad, Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry (and Debbie Harry's increasingly interesting hair) come together to play Amber von Tussle's parents, and Ric Ocasek and Pia Zadora show up as Beatniks in a strange little cameo appearance. Of course, Ricki Lake pretty much steals the show as the big girl with big dreams, although I found Joann Havrilla's performance as Penny Pingleton quite captivating in a weird sort of way.

It is very difficult to describe Hairspray; you pretty much have to watch it to get a true feel for its entertainment assets and social commentary underpinnings. It does have its silly moments, but this is not entertainment for the sake of entertainment, nor is this a film you will soon forget after watching it. ... Read more

Reviews (1)

a good Pia movie
Pia Zadora got a golden globe for this - and she deserved it. It's an interesting storyline and Pia plays a very childlike young woman seducer. She's doing really a good job as an actress. Here you have a serious movie and not one of the later - rather comedian- Pia movies. It was a good start for her career but the press did their best to make her unbelievable. She's talented I believe. ... Read more

Reviews (48)

Very Endearing
The sad life of Tracy Turnblad is explored in this biting satire set in pre-intergrated Baltimore.

Tracy (Ricki Lake) and her best friend Penny Pingleton (Lesley Ann Powers) spend each afternoon watching the homegrown hit 'The Corny Collins Show' on television,dreaming of one day dancing the Mash Potato or the Frug there.

Tracy's mother (Divine) does not really think her child will amount to anything,and Penny is constantly being punished (her parents make her wear a big 'P' on her blouse).

However,the charmed life of Amber von Tussle,the most popular dancer on the Show,seems too good to be true,despite commemts by Tracy and Penny (''Stuck-up little spastic'' and ''She is such a queer''). Amber also has the brass ring,that of teen heart-throb Link,who also appears on the Show.

Amber's parents are power-mad and drive Amber to ridiculous lenghs to be popular.They are played by Debbie Harry and Sonny Bono.

Soon,Tracy does get to appear on the show,and lands her dream-hunk Link.

A great comedy,with a yummy soundtrack and a real edge to it that does not marr the overall story.

Also featuring Mink Stole as the cue-card holder on the Show (''Falsies! '') and Pia Zadora as a way-out beatnik chick.

Soon,Tracy

'Hairspray' full of tawdry, tacky fun
John Waters' first real attempt at "mainstream" fun is a trashy and critically-acclaimed delight. Set in (where else?) Baltimore during the Civil Rights era, Hairspray is chock-full of stars, mini-stars, and people who just wanna give it a go at being a star.

The story follows young Tracy Turnblad (pre-talk show Ricki Lake) on her rise to being "big, blonde, and beautiful" on a popular teenage dance show. Along the way, however, she runs into some friction from high school brat Amber Von Tussle (Colleen Fitzpatrick, also known as pop star Vitamin C) and her parents, a racial obscenity-spouting mother (Debbie Harry) and a slick politician papa (Sonny Bono). Add in growing discontentment among the city's black populace over whites-only establishments, and you have an explosive mix made even more explosive by how off-the-wall it becomes.

Dance enthusiasts will appreciate the film for its selection of early 60s fad dances like the Mashed Potato and the Madison. Offbeat and fun, Hairspray also has an excellent soundtrack with some obscure songs you'll be hard-pressed to find in another compilation.

Forever Quotable!
Tracy Turnblad is described by her contempories as "a fat trash can," "teenage Jezebel hair hopper," "a whore, (who *I heard* made out in a car - naked!)," "adopted," "white trash or maybe high yellow" or even "mulatto!"... with "roaches in her hair!".... But they're all just hatin', because Tracy is also "the best white dancer in Baltimore" and "a modern teen" that believes in integration! Tracy competes for the dancing queen crown - and also for the leading man - against none other than Amber von Tussle, a "stuck up spastic" who is "*such* a queer," that she makes Tracy's mom ashamed to be white! There's a lot of (funny) trash talkin' goin' on, because a lot is on the line....

The competition between Tracy and Amber, and by extension integrationists and segregationists, will make you feel good, tap your toes, laugh out loud a lot, and cheer. Hairspray's "bad taste" moments are funny as heck, and piece together for a movie that epitomizes good taste -- kind, empathetic, and with a wonderful heart! The music and dancing are just *amazing*! And the fashions and bright colored sets are life-affirming perfect! (Is it just me, or did these early 60's fashions *strongly* influence the early 80's styles?.... Debbie Harry, Ric Ocasek, and Pia Zadora fit in perfect). In the excellent dvd commentary, director John Waters says the sets and styles are realistic for the times. What a bright, bold, fun, cool (when "cool" was cool), forward-looking time! Tracy's mom has a picture of Jackie Kennedy framed on the wall :-). Mom says, "It's the times. They are a-changin'. There's something blowing in the wind. Fetch me my diet pills, would you hun?"

If Hairspray ended with "Where are they now?", Tracy might be a Senator from Maryland, or the Governor, ... or more!! 5 stars as I stand in my chair applauding. Hairspray's bright fun is worth watching many times.

Very Good
The movie Hairspray is Very good. I watched it when I was about 10 and I loved it. My dad keeped telling me to move so he could watch tv and I didn't so I got grounded and after that I have looked for it but I haven't been able to find it until about two months ago now I have it and watch it everyday. I also went to see it live. It was great.

A campy, feel-good film carrying an important message
I think it's safe to say that Hairspray is a unique motion picture. The film, while providing nonstop fun and laughs throughout, also manages to not only confront but to roll right over prejudice in several of its nefarious guises. I was a teenager when this film came out, and sadly, it was the death of Divine (just before the movie was released) that made me aware of this film. I don't know if that publicity helped or hurt ticket sales - Divine, for those who have never heard of him, was famous for playing female roles, and Hairspray had begun to rejuvenate his whole career. As for the film, it's extremely campy in the best of ways, overflowing with great singing and dancing from the early 1960s, and it is the type of film that makes you feel good after you watch it.

Ricki Lake plays Tracy Turnblad, a big, bold, and beautiful teenager who dreams of dancing on the exceedingly popular Corny Collins dance show. Her mother, played by Divine, isn't too crazy about modern music and dancing - until Tracy auditions and gets a spot on the show. Strutting her stuff in front of the cameras, she quickly becomes Baltimore's newest sensation. This does not sit well with Amber von Tussle (Colleen Fitzpatrick), as Tracy steals her man and then threatens to win the coveted title of Miss Auto Show 1963. Tracy is overweight, but she likes herself just as she is and easily dismisses the fat jokes thrown her way early on. The big issue in this film, though, is segregation. Tracy and her best friend Penny Pingleton (Joann Havrilla) soon become friends with some of the black kids in town and begin working toward integrating the Corny Collins show. Collins is all for the idea himself, as currently the Negro show runs only once each month under the controls of sassy Motormouth Mabel (Ruth Brown). The station manager will not hear of integration, though, and Penny's mother is aghast to find out that her daughter is in love with an African-American. This is 1962, of course. The whole segregation issue becomes the basic foundation of the movie as it dances its way to the end, making Hairspray a wonderfully entertaining film with a serious message behind it.

The film is blessed with many interesting cast members. Divine plays not only Mrs. Turnblad but also the station manager, Jerry Stiller plays Mr. Turnblad, Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry (and Debbie Harry's increasingly interesting hair) come together to play Amber von Tussle's parents, and Ric Ocasek and Pia Zadora show up as Beatniks in a strange little cameo appearance. Of course, Ricki Lake pretty much steals the show as the big girl with big dreams, although I found Joann Havrilla's performance as Penny Pingleton quite captivating in a weird sort of way.

It is very difficult to describe Hairspray; you pretty much have to watch it to get a true feel for its entertainment assets and social commentary underpinnings. It does have its silly moments, but this is not entertainment for the sake of entertainment, nor is this a film you will soon forget after watching it. ... Read more

Reviews (33)

The Cheesiest (And Best) Christmas Movie!
This movie rocks on so many different levels. I really don't know where to start. Let's see. In this movie, Santa is played as a delusional old coot on the verge of senility. Then there are the Martians! Man alive, were they something else! The wonderful cast of Martians consisted of nobody actors (including a young Pia Zadora) in green makeup, green body suits, and antennae on their head! Oh yeah! There was also a goofy (and incredibly annoying) Martian who looked like he was the product of an affair between Jamie Farr and Imogene Coca.

Then there's the cheesy special effects. Sets that look like they were constructed by Miss Smith's second grade class... awful costumes... and there's a freakin' man in a polar bear suit! Yes, you read that one right! A man in a polar bear suit... and you can see where his "head" ends and the costume begins, too!

The trifecta of hilarity ends with the theme song. It's the best score in the history of cinema, I tell ya!

I urge you all to run... don't walk... to your bedroom, get your credit card, and BUY this movie! It's the funniest Christmas film I've ever seen... and, while the humor isn't intentional, it's still great! HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUSE!

Camp!
I won't expound on the story since everyone else already has. It is pure CAMP! Don't expect more. (I bet you didn't know that Martians read and write in English too. They even label some equipment in their ship as "radar box"!) Either you liked it as a child or not. Keep in mind it was made back in 1964. (I bet most of the reviewers on this page weren't alive then.)

I will just talk about the quality of the DVD. It is not great...just okay. It has all of the blemishes that you see on the film when broadcast on t.v.. Even the beginning song is missing a few frames at the start.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as "The Red Balloon" DVD (nothing is! not even "Meet The Feebles"). Just don't pay top dollar for it. Look for a bargin.

Too bad not to be a classic...
This is so bad, it is hilarious. Great fun to watch with your friends...you will roar with laughter over the costumes, the acting, and the script. It's become a cult classic for this reason, sybolizing the great "B" movie genre. For this price...you can't loose.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for "Santy" Claus
It's the kookiest Christmas ever when Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians in this "you have to see it to believe it" Christmas "classic." Maybe you've seen this movie hilariously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but you have to watch it on its own to truly appreciate it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just so bad that I can't help but love it, and that explains why I am giving this deservedly one-star movie four stars. The Martian get-ups are more ridiculous than Marvin the Martian's normal attire, the sets redefine the very definition of cheap, the acting is over-the-top and generally horrible, and Santa is - well, he's just a little bit weird, if you ask me. Every time the guy starts in with his distinctive laughing (usually for no apparent reason), I am reminded of the fact that Satan is spelled with the same letters as Santa.

Things aren't going so well on Mars. It's bad enough that the Martians are all colored a ridiculous shade of green, dress like rejected superheroes, and wear ridiculous antenna-spouting helmets on their heads at all times, but now the children of Mars are all acting depressed and withdrawn; all they want to do is sit and watch Earth TV. Kimar (Leonard Hicks), the leader of Mars, seeks the advice of the planet's 800-year old wise man and is told that he must bring Santa Claus to Mars so that the children can actually have fun and be children for a little while. Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the plan every step of the way, arguing that Kimar's plan will soon result in a whole planet full of lily-livered, mush-brained nincompoops. Kimar wins out and sets off for Earth in the most pathetic spaceship of all time to catch Santa and bring him back to Mars - along with two Earthling children. Well, Santa starts up a new workshop on Mars, hoping he'll be allowed to return home in time for Christmas, but Voldar is as tenacious as he is ridiculous-looking and is determined to kill Santa and stomp out all signs of Christmas spirit on the red planet.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features a young Pia Zadora as a little Martian girl, but perhaps the movie's most unforgettable feature is the swinging theme song, Hooray for Santa Claus. If you watch the movie, you'll have this silly song in your head for days. Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) gives a memorable performance as Mars' resident screw-up with a heart of gold, but my thoughts always remain with John Call and his disturbingly weird portrayal of Santa Claus. I can pretty much guarantee that this movie will make you laugh with its unashamed ineptness, and bad movie lovers are ineligible for their very first merit badge until they have watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and lived to tell about it.

Absolutely the best of the worst movies I have ever seen
So, you think that when you were forced to kiss grandma it was bad? THINK AGAIN... Kissing grandma was a treat compared to sitting through this horrible movie. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has become a cult film alright. This is the movie you want to show all those party guests who are just lingering out, eating up all your food and can not take the hint to "GO HOME". Put this baby in the DVD player and watch em scatter. Some of the worse acting ever done. The costumes look as if they were taken out of the Salvation Army box after Halloween. Santa not only appears to be drunk but at times he even stumbles over his lines. Mindless sections of this movie are pitiful and seemed to be filmed by the kid actors while the crew was out to lunch. But I do admit, it is a must have. So make sure you own a copy of it! It can always be used for events like college hazings, children punishment, or even at the end of a long night of playing quarters. This will forever go down in the archives as the worst movie ever made. ... Read more

Reviews (1)

Pia Zadora can sing
By now, the whole world must know that Ms. Zadora is much better a singer than an actress. On this video, she presents a selection of her favorite American standards, from Broadway classics to Stevie Wonder and in between she explains a little bit about the songs and why she sings them. I would have given 5 stars for the singing, but this production seems a little bit too rehearsed to me : I'm sure that Pia means every word she says, but there seems to be no room for spontaneity. But that doesn't change the fact that the songs are brought in a very original way with unique song-styling. A must for fans and for anybody who's ready to change his mind about Pia's talent! ... Read more

Reviews (1)

Pia makes this movie good
If you like to see Pia Zadora - for whatever reason - this movie will be entertaining for you. It's what you expect of a Pia movie: good fun and a beautiful Pia. Of course you always have to take her movies with a grin - so you can enjoy them :) But I guess Pia knows that - otherwise she wouldn't have had her cameos in e.g. Hairspray. It's good Pia fun :) ... Read more

Reviews (33)

The Cheesiest (And Best) Christmas Movie!
This movie rocks on so many different levels. I really don't know where to start. Let's see. In this movie, Santa is played as a delusional old coot on the verge of senility. Then there are the Martians! Man alive, were they something else! The wonderful cast of Martians consisted of nobody actors (including a young Pia Zadora) in green makeup, green body suits, and antennae on their head! Oh yeah! There was also a goofy (and incredibly annoying) Martian who looked like he was the product of an affair between Jamie Farr and Imogene Coca.

Then there's the cheesy special effects. Sets that look like they were constructed by Miss Smith's second grade class... awful costumes... and there's a freakin' man in a polar bear suit! Yes, you read that one right! A man in a polar bear suit... and you can see where his "head" ends and the costume begins, too!

The trifecta of hilarity ends with the theme song. It's the best score in the history of cinema, I tell ya!

I urge you all to run... don't walk... to your bedroom, get your credit card, and BUY this movie! It's the funniest Christmas film I've ever seen... and, while the humor isn't intentional, it's still great! HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUSE!

Camp!
I won't expound on the story since everyone else already has. It is pure CAMP! Don't expect more. (I bet you didn't know that Martians read and write in English too. They even label some equipment in their ship as "radar box"!) Either you liked it as a child or not. Keep in mind it was made back in 1964. (I bet most of the reviewers on this page weren't alive then.)

I will just talk about the quality of the DVD. It is not great...just okay. It has all of the blemishes that you see on the film when broadcast on t.v.. Even the beginning song is missing a few frames at the start.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as "The Red Balloon" DVD (nothing is! not even "Meet The Feebles"). Just don't pay top dollar for it. Look for a bargin.

Too bad not to be a classic...
This is so bad, it is hilarious. Great fun to watch with your friends...you will roar with laughter over the costumes, the acting, and the script. It's become a cult classic for this reason, sybolizing the great "B" movie genre. For this price...you can't loose.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for "Santy" Claus
It's the kookiest Christmas ever when Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians in this "you have to see it to believe it" Christmas "classic." Maybe you've seen this movie hilariously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but you have to watch it on its own to truly appreciate it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just so bad that I can't help but love it, and that explains why I am giving this deservedly one-star movie four stars. The Martian get-ups are more ridiculous than Marvin the Martian's normal attire, the sets redefine the very definition of cheap, the acting is over-the-top and generally horrible, and Santa is - well, he's just a little bit weird, if you ask me. Every time the guy starts in with his distinctive laughing (usually for no apparent reason), I am reminded of the fact that Satan is spelled with the same letters as Santa.

Things aren't going so well on Mars. It's bad enough that the Martians are all colored a ridiculous shade of green, dress like rejected superheroes, and wear ridiculous antenna-spouting helmets on their heads at all times, but now the children of Mars are all acting depressed and withdrawn; all they want to do is sit and watch Earth TV. Kimar (Leonard Hicks), the leader of Mars, seeks the advice of the planet's 800-year old wise man and is told that he must bring Santa Claus to Mars so that the children can actually have fun and be children for a little while. Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the plan every step of the way, arguing that Kimar's plan will soon result in a whole planet full of lily-livered, mush-brained nincompoops. Kimar wins out and sets off for Earth in the most pathetic spaceship of all time to catch Santa and bring him back to Mars - along with two Earthling children. Well, Santa starts up a new workshop on Mars, hoping he'll be allowed to return home in time for Christmas, but Voldar is as tenacious as he is ridiculous-looking and is determined to kill Santa and stomp out all signs of Christmas spirit on the red planet.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features a young Pia Zadora as a little Martian girl, but perhaps the movie's most unforgettable feature is the swinging theme song, Hooray for Santa Claus. If you watch the movie, you'll have this silly song in your head for days. Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) gives a memorable performance as Mars' resident screw-up with a heart of gold, but my thoughts always remain with John Call and his disturbingly weird portrayal of Santa Claus. I can pretty much guarantee that this movie will make you laugh with its unashamed ineptness, and bad movie lovers are ineligible for their very first merit badge until they have watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and lived to tell about it.

Absolutely the best of the worst movies I have ever seen
So, you think that when you were forced to kiss grandma it was bad? THINK AGAIN... Kissing grandma was a treat compared to sitting through this horrible movie. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has become a cult film alright. This is the movie you want to show all those party guests who are just lingering out, eating up all your food and can not take the hint to "GO HOME". Put this baby in the DVD player and watch em scatter. Some of the worse acting ever done. The costumes look as if they were taken out of the Salvation Army box after Halloween. Santa not only appears to be drunk but at times he even stumbles over his lines. Mindless sections of this movie are pitiful and seemed to be filmed by the kid actors while the crew was out to lunch. But I do admit, it is a must have. So make sure you own a copy of it! It can always be used for events like college hazings, children punishment, or even at the end of a long night of playing quarters. This will forever go down in the archives as the worst movie ever made. ... Read more

Reviews (33)

The Cheesiest (And Best) Christmas Movie!
This movie rocks on so many different levels. I really don't know where to start. Let's see. In this movie, Santa is played as a delusional old coot on the verge of senility. Then there are the Martians! Man alive, were they something else! The wonderful cast of Martians consisted of nobody actors (including a young Pia Zadora) in green makeup, green body suits, and antennae on their head! Oh yeah! There was also a goofy (and incredibly annoying) Martian who looked like he was the product of an affair between Jamie Farr and Imogene Coca.

Then there's the cheesy special effects. Sets that look like they were constructed by Miss Smith's second grade class... awful costumes... and there's a freakin' man in a polar bear suit! Yes, you read that one right! A man in a polar bear suit... and you can see where his "head" ends and the costume begins, too!

The trifecta of hilarity ends with the theme song. It's the best score in the history of cinema, I tell ya!

I urge you all to run... don't walk... to your bedroom, get your credit card, and BUY this movie! It's the funniest Christmas film I've ever seen... and, while the humor isn't intentional, it's still great! HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUSE!

Camp!
I won't expound on the story since everyone else already has. It is pure CAMP! Don't expect more. (I bet you didn't know that Martians read and write in English too. They even label some equipment in their ship as "radar box"!) Either you liked it as a child or not. Keep in mind it was made back in 1964. (I bet most of the reviewers on this page weren't alive then.)

I will just talk about the quality of the DVD. It is not great...just okay. It has all of the blemishes that you see on the film when broadcast on t.v.. Even the beginning song is missing a few frames at the start.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as "The Red Balloon" DVD (nothing is! not even "Meet The Feebles"). Just don't pay top dollar for it. Look for a bargin.

Too bad not to be a classic...
This is so bad, it is hilarious. Great fun to watch with your friends...you will roar with laughter over the costumes, the acting, and the script. It's become a cult classic for this reason, sybolizing the great "B" movie genre. For this price...you can't loose.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for "Santy" Claus
It's the kookiest Christmas ever when Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians in this "you have to see it to believe it" Christmas "classic." Maybe you've seen this movie hilariously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but you have to watch it on its own to truly appreciate it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just so bad that I can't help but love it, and that explains why I am giving this deservedly one-star movie four stars. The Martian get-ups are more ridiculous than Marvin the Martian's normal attire, the sets redefine the very definition of cheap, the acting is over-the-top and generally horrible, and Santa is - well, he's just a little bit weird, if you ask me. Every time the guy starts in with his distinctive laughing (usually for no apparent reason), I am reminded of the fact that Satan is spelled with the same letters as Santa.

Things aren't going so well on Mars. It's bad enough that the Martians are all colored a ridiculous shade of green, dress like rejected superheroes, and wear ridiculous antenna-spouting helmets on their heads at all times, but now the children of Mars are all acting depressed and withdrawn; all they want to do is sit and watch Earth TV. Kimar (Leonard Hicks), the leader of Mars, seeks the advice of the planet's 800-year old wise man and is told that he must bring Santa Claus to Mars so that the children can actually have fun and be children for a little while. Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the plan every step of the way, arguing that Kimar's plan will soon result in a whole planet full of lily-livered, mush-brained nincompoops. Kimar wins out and sets off for Earth in the most pathetic spaceship of all time to catch Santa and bring him back to Mars - along with two Earthling children. Well, Santa starts up a new workshop on Mars, hoping he'll be allowed to return home in time for Christmas, but Voldar is as tenacious as he is ridiculous-looking and is determined to kill Santa and stomp out all signs of Christmas spirit on the red planet.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features a young Pia Zadora as a little Martian girl, but perhaps the movie's most unforgettable feature is the swinging theme song, Hooray for Santa Claus. If you watch the movie, you'll have this silly song in your head for days. Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) gives a memorable performance as Mars' resident screw-up with a heart of gold, but my thoughts always remain with John Call and his disturbingly weird portrayal of Santa Claus. I can pretty much guarantee that this movie will make you laugh with its unashamed ineptness, and bad movie lovers are ineligible for their very first merit badge until they have watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and lived to tell about it.

Absolutely the best of the worst movies I have ever seen
So, you think that when you were forced to kiss grandma it was bad? THINK AGAIN... Kissing grandma was a treat compared to sitting through this horrible movie. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has become a cult film alright. This is the movie you want to show all those party guests who are just lingering out, eating up all your food and can not take the hint to "GO HOME". Put this baby in the DVD player and watch em scatter. Some of the worse acting ever done. The costumes look as if they were taken out of the Salvation Army box after Halloween. Santa not only appears to be drunk but at times he even stumbles over his lines. Mindless sections of this movie are pitiful and seemed to be filmed by the kid actors while the crew was out to lunch. But I do admit, it is a must have. So make sure you own a copy of it! It can always be used for events like college hazings, children punishment, or even at the end of a long night of playing quarters. This will forever go down in the archives as the worst movie ever made. ... Read more

Reviews (12)

Trashy! Ridiculous! Awful Performances! DON'T MISS IT!
This movie is so bad, it's good!

Without giving away the wacky concept behind this mess, "The Lonely Lady" has all the appearances of being a made-for-TV movie produced sometime around the late seventies/early eighties, with some superficial nudity thrown in for good measure. Definitely a period peice.

The characters are so two dimensional, it's almost like watching lip-syncing cardboard manikins. Pia Zadora's squirrelly acting style is particularly amusing. The storyline is sort of nonexistent.

So Martha S. says here's what to do in order to make this occasion a cheery holiday funfest: Have a low-rent party!!! All you have to do is make a batch of fruit punch and spike it with MD 20/20 or some other cheap wine; Whip up some Hors Deuvers made of Ritz crackers, Spam and Cheez Whiz. Fry up some Okra!

Then, get a copy of the other Pia Zadora Epic, "Butterfly", invite all your freinds over, and have a Pia Zadora Film Festival... So what's not to like?

An American Classic
Don't listen to all of those stuffy movie critics and people who ripped on this movie without even watching it. If they had their way, we would watch nothing but endless reruns of foreign films (w/ subtitles) and hapless domestic productions that are short on action and long on boredom.

This HOLLYWOOD rags to riches story was truly inspiring! Pia Zadora gives an Oscar worthy performance while displaying all of her assets (no pun intended).

In short, if there is one movie you see this year, "The Lonely Lady" should be tops on you list.

Sometimes your in the mood for that
Don't listen to all the uptight reviewers who say this movie is awful. People need to lighten up. I hardly think Pia and company were aspiring to great art here; instead they've created a deliciously tacky movie that has plenty of sex, drugs, and campy acting. Sometimes your in the mood for that, you know. p.s. pia's body is to die for.

Glop!
This was one of those movies I watched on cable one night when I was a kid and my parents were not at home and It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen so vapid and trite and stupid! A pile of glop!

Total "Camp" Classic!
I didn't like this movie much when it was released back in 1983. Over the years it has sort of grown on me. I seemed to always catch it playing on TV and couldn't stop watching it. Recently, I saw it on TV, and figured I might as well buy it on video since I like it so much. The copies I purchased here in Canada from a record store were awful, and was I able to find a clean playing copy that was new on the internet. It's basically about an up & coming writer that sleeps here way to the top and meets a lot of unscrupulous people along the way. It's a drive-in movie through & through. Lots of nudity, violence, and a really lame script, but it has a certain charm that I can't put my finger on. If you like 'B' movies, this one is a must have for your collection. ... Read more

Reviews (1)

Pia makes this movie good
If you like to see Pia Zadora - for whatever reason - this movie will be entertaining for you. It's what you expect of a Pia movie: good fun and a beautiful Pia. Of course you always have to take her movies with a grin - so you can enjoy them :) But I guess Pia knows that - otherwise she wouldn't have had her cameos in e.g. Hairspray. It's good Pia fun :) ... Read more

Reviews (33)

The Cheesiest (And Best) Christmas Movie!
This movie rocks on so many different levels. I really don't know where to start. Let's see. In this movie, Santa is played as a delusional old coot on the verge of senility. Then there are the Martians! Man alive, were they something else! The wonderful cast of Martians consisted of nobody actors (including a young Pia Zadora) in green makeup, green body suits, and antennae on their head! Oh yeah! There was also a goofy (and incredibly annoying) Martian who looked like he was the product of an affair between Jamie Farr and Imogene Coca.

Then there's the cheesy special effects. Sets that look like they were constructed by Miss Smith's second grade class... awful costumes... and there's a freakin' man in a polar bear suit! Yes, you read that one right! A man in a polar bear suit... and you can see where his "head" ends and the costume begins, too!

The trifecta of hilarity ends with the theme song. It's the best score in the history of cinema, I tell ya!

I urge you all to run... don't walk... to your bedroom, get your credit card, and BUY this movie! It's the funniest Christmas film I've ever seen... and, while the humor isn't intentional, it's still great! HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUSE!

Camp!
I won't expound on the story since everyone else already has. It is pure CAMP! Don't expect more. (I bet you didn't know that Martians read and write in English too. They even label some equipment in their ship as "radar box"!) Either you liked it as a child or not. Keep in mind it was made back in 1964. (I bet most of the reviewers on this page weren't alive then.)

I will just talk about the quality of the DVD. It is not great...just okay. It has all of the blemishes that you see on the film when broadcast on t.v.. Even the beginning song is missing a few frames at the start.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as "The Red Balloon" DVD (nothing is! not even "Meet The Feebles"). Just don't pay top dollar for it. Look for a bargin.

Too bad not to be a classic...
This is so bad, it is hilarious. Great fun to watch with your friends...you will roar with laughter over the costumes, the acting, and the script. It's become a cult classic for this reason, sybolizing the great "B" movie genre. For this price...you can't loose.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for "Santy" Claus
It's the kookiest Christmas ever when Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians in this "you have to see it to believe it" Christmas "classic." Maybe you've seen this movie hilariously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but you have to watch it on its own to truly appreciate it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just so bad that I can't help but love it, and that explains why I am giving this deservedly one-star movie four stars. The Martian get-ups are more ridiculous than Marvin the Martian's normal attire, the sets redefine the very definition of cheap, the acting is over-the-top and generally horrible, and Santa is - well, he's just a little bit weird, if you ask me. Every time the guy starts in with his distinctive laughing (usually for no apparent reason), I am reminded of the fact that Satan is spelled with the same letters as Santa.

Things aren't going so well on Mars. It's bad enough that the Martians are all colored a ridiculous shade of green, dress like rejected superheroes, and wear ridiculous antenna-spouting helmets on their heads at all times, but now the children of Mars are all acting depressed and withdrawn; all they want to do is sit and watch Earth TV. Kimar (Leonard Hicks), the leader of Mars, seeks the advice of the planet's 800-year old wise man and is told that he must bring Santa Claus to Mars so that the children can actually have fun and be children for a little while. Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the plan every step of the way, arguing that Kimar's plan will soon result in a whole planet full of lily-livered, mush-brained nincompoops. Kimar wins out and sets off for Earth in the most pathetic spaceship of all time to catch Santa and bring him back to Mars - along with two Earthling children. Well, Santa starts up a new workshop on Mars, hoping he'll be allowed to return home in time for Christmas, but Voldar is as tenacious as he is ridiculous-looking and is determined to kill Santa and stomp out all signs of Christmas spirit on the red planet.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features a young Pia Zadora as a little Martian girl, but perhaps the movie's most unforgettable feature is the swinging theme song, Hooray for Santa Claus. If you watch the movie, you'll have this silly song in your head for days. Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) gives a memorable performance as Mars' resident screw-up with a heart of gold, but my thoughts always remain with John Call and his disturbingly weird portrayal of Santa Claus. I can pretty much guarantee that this movie will make you laugh with its unashamed ineptness, and bad movie lovers are ineligible for their very first merit badge until they have watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and lived to tell about it.

Absolutely the best of the worst movies I have ever seen
So, you think that when you were forced to kiss grandma it was bad? THINK AGAIN... Kissing grandma was a treat compared to sitting through this horrible movie. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has become a cult film alright. This is the movie you want to show all those party guests who are just lingering out, eating up all your food and can not take the hint to "GO HOME". Put this baby in the DVD player and watch em scatter. Some of the worse acting ever done. The costumes look as if they were taken out of the Salvation Army box after Halloween. Santa not only appears to be drunk but at times he even stumbles over his lines. Mindless sections of this movie are pitiful and seemed to be filmed by the kid actors while the crew was out to lunch. But I do admit, it is a must have. So make sure you own a copy of it! It can always be used for events like college hazings, children punishment, or even at the end of a long night of playing quarters. This will forever go down in the archives as the worst movie ever made. ... Read more

Reviews (33)

The Cheesiest (And Best) Christmas Movie!
This movie rocks on so many different levels. I really don't know where to start. Let's see. In this movie, Santa is played as a delusional old coot on the verge of senility. Then there are the Martians! Man alive, were they something else! The wonderful cast of Martians consisted of nobody actors (including a young Pia Zadora) in green makeup, green body suits, and antennae on their head! Oh yeah! There was also a goofy (and incredibly annoying) Martian who looked like he was the product of an affair between Jamie Farr and Imogene Coca.

Then there's the cheesy special effects. Sets that look like they were constructed by Miss Smith's second grade class... awful costumes... and there's a freakin' man in a polar bear suit! Yes, you read that one right! A man in a polar bear suit... and you can see where his "head" ends and the costume begins, too!

The trifecta of hilarity ends with the theme song. It's the best score in the history of cinema, I tell ya!

I urge you all to run... don't walk... to your bedroom, get your credit card, and BUY this movie! It's the funniest Christmas film I've ever seen... and, while the humor isn't intentional, it's still great! HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUSE!

Camp!
I won't expound on the story since everyone else already has. It is pure CAMP! Don't expect more. (I bet you didn't know that Martians read and write in English too. They even label some equipment in their ship as "radar box"!) Either you liked it as a child or not. Keep in mind it was made back in 1964. (I bet most of the reviewers on this page weren't alive then.)

I will just talk about the quality of the DVD. It is not great...just okay. It has all of the blemishes that you see on the film when broadcast on t.v.. Even the beginning song is missing a few frames at the start.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as "The Red Balloon" DVD (nothing is! not even "Meet The Feebles"). Just don't pay top dollar for it. Look for a bargin.

Too bad not to be a classic...
This is so bad, it is hilarious. Great fun to watch with your friends...you will roar with laughter over the costumes, the acting, and the script. It's become a cult classic for this reason, sybolizing the great "B" movie genre. For this price...you can't loose.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for "Santy" Claus
It's the kookiest Christmas ever when Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians in this "you have to see it to believe it" Christmas "classic." Maybe you've seen this movie hilariously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but you have to watch it on its own to truly appreciate it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is just so bad that I can't help but love it, and that explains why I am giving this deservedly one-star movie four stars. The Martian get-ups are more ridiculous than Marvin the Martian's normal attire, the sets redefine the very definition of cheap, the acting is over-the-top and generally horrible, and Santa is - well, he's just a little bit weird, if you ask me. Every time the guy starts in with his distinctive laughing (usually for no apparent reason), I am reminded of the fact that Satan is spelled with the same letters as Santa.

Things aren't going so well on Mars. It's bad enough that the Martians are all colored a ridiculous shade of green, dress like rejected superheroes, and wear ridiculous antenna-spouting helmets on their heads at all times, but now the children of Mars are all acting depressed and withdrawn; all they want to do is sit and watch Earth TV. Kimar (Leonard Hicks), the leader of Mars, seeks the advice of the planet's 800-year old wise man and is told that he must bring Santa Claus to Mars so that the children can actually have fun and be children for a little while. Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the plan every step of the way, arguing that Kimar's plan will soon result in a whole planet full of lily-livered, mush-brained nincompoops. Kimar wins out and sets off for Earth in the most pathetic spaceship of all time to catch Santa and bring him back to Mars - along with two Earthling children. Well, Santa starts up a new workshop on Mars, hoping he'll be allowed to return home in time for Christmas, but Voldar is as tenacious as he is ridiculous-looking and is determined to kill Santa and stomp out all signs of Christmas spirit on the red planet.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features a young Pia Zadora as a little Martian girl, but perhaps the movie's most unforgettable feature is the swinging theme song, Hooray for Santa Claus. If you watch the movie, you'll have this silly song in your head for days. Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) gives a memorable performance as Mars' resident screw-up with a heart of gold, but my thoughts always remain with John Call and his disturbingly weird portrayal of Santa Claus. I can pretty much guarantee that this movie will make you laugh with its unashamed ineptness, and bad movie lovers are ineligible for their very first merit badge until they have watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and lived to tell about it.

Absolutely the best of the worst movies I have ever seen
So, you think that when you were forced to kiss grandma it was bad? THINK AGAIN... Kissing grandma was a treat compared to sitting through this horrible movie. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has become a cult film alright. This is the movie you want to show all those party guests who are just lingering out, eating up all your food and can not take the hint to "GO HOME". Put this baby in the DVD player and watch em scatter. Some of the worse acting ever done. The costumes look as if they were taken out of the Salvation Army box after Halloween. Santa not only appears to be drunk but at times he even stumbles over his lines. Mindless sections of this movie are pitiful and seemed to be filmed by the kid actors while the crew was out to lunch. But I do admit, it is a must have. So make sure you own a copy of it! It can always be used for events like college hazings, children punishment, or even at the end of a long night of playing quarters. This will forever go down in the archives as the worst movie ever made. ... Read more