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| 1. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones Director: George Lucas | |
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Reviews (1926)
First, I would open the movie where the main character of the movie -The Jedi- freefalls some 10,000 stories in a sprawling metropolis, all the while narrowly missing multitudes of careening hovercrafts which literally filled the sky, only to finally land safely inside one of them just in the nick of time, nanoseconds before he was about to slam into the ground. Secondly, I would include the most bland, personality-less, emotionally-uninspiring actors and actresses I could find. Also, I would incorporate pseudo-Greek cultural and archeological elements throughout the movie (which had no relevancy to the sci-fi theme of the movie) so as to confuse the viewer as to what planet...or planets the movie was taking place in...or what universe and epoch(s) for that matter. I'd include several pseudo-romantic scenes where there wasn't an iota of emotion or chemistry between the two love birds and whose forced, stimulated 'romantic scenes' seemed to serve no purpose, either. I would then attempt to completely destroy...annhilate the original Star Wars's sacred notion of the force -as being stimulated and channeled by spirituality and mind over matter- and any drama associated with it as well. MY notion would be that the measure of one's force can be determined by analyzing mitochondrial DNA samples to tally the number of antibodies present in the protoplasm. Next, I would blow away the concept of the original Star Wars's wimpy 2-jedi battle scenes with an epic magnitude-12 mega battle scene which consisted of 10,000 jedis and 100,000 jedi foes engaged in flipping-through the-air somersault kung fu moves that render the likes of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and all '70s special-effects-laden Chinese kung fu flics obsolete. You thought that Luke Skywalker jumping 10 feet out of a carbon freeze container was cool? Could Luke Skywalker stay airborne for 10 seconds all the while throwing barrages of backroundhouse kicks and punches? Screw that punchless Luke Skywalker single-blade lightsaber. Behold, I introduce the double-edged light saber which all jedis are equipped with. FULLY FUNCTIONAL AND OPERATIONAL. Only an elite and intelligent class of human being can be a jedi? Not anymore. Any living, crawling, oozing intelligence-devoid parasite, wingless bat or orc -of any gender-can be a jedi. Finally, I would end the movie with Kung Fu/Force-Master Yoda defeating the Master Evil Jedi with triple and quintuple cartwheel backroundhouse kicks and punches, while airborne, and lightning-fast Tae Kwan Do slaps and curled finger combinations that would put Jackie Chan to shame. The very last scene of the movie would end with the Evil Jedi Master becoming so angry, because of his defeat, that his head grew to the size of a large balloon, then exploded with the force of 20 grenades. Maybe I'd include that scene only in the UNCUT version. The result: The sci-fi sequel to "Big Trouble in Little China" -Big Trouble in Little Greece: Attack Of The Kung Fu Robots...or as some people may prefer to call it -Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clones.
Best Parts: That's it. Everything else in these films is an utter joke. I could go on for many paragraphs, but I'll spare you. You gotta realize that there was a reason George didn't direct Empire or Jedi. He's an awful director. He has no ear for dialogue. The newer digital film process looks really awful. Only good ol' George could manage to waste the talents of Christopher Lee, Sam Jackson, Ewan McGregor, and Natalie Portman. And I think Hayden Christensen is the only other actor who possesses Keanu Reeves' atrocious wooden technique. His Anakin doesn't possess darkness, just stupidity. I hope Lucas gets a tumor in that fat double chin of his. If you don't like it, sue me. He's destroyed the meaning of my childhood favorites, so the hell with him. Do you really think the next film is going to make up for it? Only if it's about four hours long and is directed by someone else.
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| 2. Howard the Duck Director: Willard Huyck | |
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Amazon.com Reviews (96)
The special effects are up to par with the technology at the time, and the comedy is right on the nose. I mean c'mon those Dark Overlords were pretty cool looking. Anyone who claims to hate this movie is obviously an 80's hater. (...) This film defines great 80's cinema and I could never understand the backlash. Many great movies have bombed at the theaters only to become favorite classics (the original Blues Brothers and It's a Wonderful Life come to mind). (...)I will defend this movie until my dying day. Howard the Duck is a great movie from the greatest decade of the 20th Century. Hail Howard!!!
HOWARD THE DUCK tells the story of a duck named Howard (voiced by Chip Zein, and played by a bunch of little people in a duck suit) who lives on a planet much like earth, except Duck's are the top of the food chain. He's a failed rock musician who's finally given up that dream and has settled into the mundane life of an advertising copywriter. On one particular day, he's just gets home from another day of the daily grind, when he's sucked into a giant laser beam and transported to Cleveland, Ohio on our earth. Let the comic hijinks begin...well okay let the less than stellar puns begin. Howard meets Beverly (Lean Thompson) a struggling rock musician and takes up "roost" in her apartment. After a day or so they fall in love. There's also a young Lab Assistant named Phil (Tim Robbins in a star-making performance) and Dr. Jennings (Jefferey Jones) whom want to help Howard get home, via the giant laser beam that brought him to earth in the first place. I stop there because the second half of the movie has to do with this wild alien and I'm not quite sure I can do that part of the story any real justice. Suffice to say there's an alien threat and Howard is here to stop it. Actually he kind of runs away from it as the alien menace and the cops try to stop him. HOWARD THE DUCK is based on a far more interesting and inventive comic book series created by Steve Gerber. This movie and that series have absolutely nothing in common but the name. In fact the movie ruined the comic book series that poor Steve Gerber sued Universal and George Lucas, and then killed off his Duck for a long time. How's that for fair. Wait a second you say, go back just a minute, did you just say George Lucas? Yes ladies and gentlemen. George Lucas was the executive producer of this film and it shows. His fingerprint is on everything and more importantly Industrial, Lights, and Magic have designed this film as their audition reel. They throw everything into the pot, creature effects, stop motion, animation effects, makeup effects, an elaborate chase sequence (that I'm convinced was shot for shot re-created for the freeway chase in the MATRIX RELOADED, well not really but It's nice to speculate.) involving a small personal aircraft, and all of it is breath taking. But why? Why did ILM and George Lucas waste all that time and energy? The only thing I can think is that they were doing tests for Lucas's next big project WILLOW. You're probably now asking why doesn't the film work? The biggest problem is there is absoulty no screenplay. The first 20 minutes of the film fly by, barely allowing the viewer to breathe. The characters have time to meet, time to fight, time to get back together, all before the story begins to take shape. By the time it does it shifts radically into a completely different movie involving giant space creatures. They started out with a promising idea; it's ET in the city. How does this duck adapt to his surroundings? That should have been the movie. But there's no room for special effects that way. So on comes Act 2, and so many effects shots you shake your head. I was also a little disgusted by the Human/Duck love scene of course you see nothing, but the implied relationship makes even less sense then the rest of the movie and is really there just to make a silly joke anyway. This is the key to why this film fails. It doesn't set its tone properly. Every other line is some comic zinger that falls flat because the movie doesn't know whether it's a comedy, or an action picture. There satire, and drama all thrown out there but it goes nowhere. This effects all the acting as well. The human characters are robbed of any humanity because the script is so disjointed. They overreact to everything and poor Tim Robbins is forced to mug for laughs when the audience already knows that there are none. The script by director Huyck and his writing partner Gloria Katz is so bad you forget that these are the people who hit just the right beats in their more successful film AMERICAN GRAFFITTI. The films biggest flaw is that it has no audience. It a tad bit vulgar for little kids, and if you reach the age of 8 you'll be far smarter than this movie is. As for adults there is nothing of substance in the movie for people to grab onto. But I guess in the end could HOWARD THE DUCK been a good picture? Maybe! There were definitely moments of light in the picture. Moments that seemed unforced. I especially loved the early scenes involving Howard and Beverly. An interesting story could have unfolded. But the films exciting visuals were more important to the bottom line. In fact the bulk of the film contains this huge chase scene involving airplanes, cars, 18-Wheelers and lots of destruction. Sure the scene is cool to look at but it's not worth the Journey. Stay away from Howard the Duck. ** Out of 5
The funny thing about movies that are ambitious and And I know alot of people will think I am crazy. But this is my I know there are alot of people who can't stand this movie,
Coming in 1986, at a time when Gerber's dispute with Marvel had exploded into a full-blown legal battle (and the comic publisher had practically destroyed Howard with numerous changes in appearance and origin), the Howard the Duck movie was heavly hyped and awarded a huge budget-largely due to the involvement of one George Lucas. What emerged was the worst movie of 1986, and one of the 1980s many candidates for "worst movie ever". For those ignorant of the original comic book, the reputation is well-earned, with an unlikeable lead and an incredibly stupid plot. For those of us familiar with Steve Gerber's work, this film is nothing short of an abomination. However, years of repeated (and downright excessive) reruns on cable have created a number of apologists for this drivel. Do yourself a favor and avoid this wreck (and pray that George Lucas is able to keep it from appearing on DVD), while tracking down the Howard the Duck comics written by Steve Gerber, which are superior to this travesty in every way. ... Read more | |
| 3. Cry-Baby Director: John Waters | |
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Amazon.com essential video Reviews (107)
4-stars for a quirky and silly movie. Nothing extrodinary, but still fun!
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| 4. The Tango Lesson Director: Sally Potter | |
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(price subject to change: see help) Asin: 0767800958 Catlog: Video Sales Rank: 137 Average Customer Review: US | Canada | United Kingdom | Germany | France | Japan |
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Amazon.com Reviews (56)
After a distracting yet stylish introduction, the movie settles down into its intelligent portrayal of two exceptional people learning to love each other and dance together. The director wisely keeps the dialogue to a minimum, and lets the dancing tell the story. And what dancing! The Tango is a captivating dance to begin with, and these folks dance it with grace and passion. Pablo Veron has more screen presence than any other actor alive, and he's a world-class dancer to boot. Sally Potter, the movie's director who plays his partner is also an excellent tanguera. Did I say it before? The dancing is amazing! From the parks of Paris to the Tango salons of Buenos Aires, the characters speak to each other in French, Spanish, and English. This ain't Hollywood fare. No car chases, no pulling of heart strings, no wacky characters. Just striking cinematography, a fine, spare script, and delightful dancing. If you like beautiful things, you'll like this movie.
It doesn't cut deep enough into the dark or shamefull flaws of the leads. It's too subtle for its own good, or rather it's subtle by default, it lacks courage. Sally plays herself and wistfully looks up at the apartment building where her teacher, Veron (who also plays himself) resides. It's a beutifull shot, with snowflakes falling. . . In another scene she tells him she has been in love with him as a woman for over a year but that he just wants her to get into the movies and be a star, whereupon his reaction is once again, er...subtle. The point I'm getting at is that she's much more than merely 'wistful' , she'a a middle aged woman who is making a complete ass of herself, acting like a 14 year old with a crush towards a man who is indeed ruthlessly exploiting her for the money of the lessons and for his chance at a movie role. But we don't get to the heart of that. These dark sides are whitewashed in wistfull snowflakes . . . Had these flaws been brought out the characters would have been infinitely more vulnerable and interesting. The love between them (yes , despite their flaws there is love) would still have been there, the magic of the dance and its art would also have been there in all its glorious obsession. Most of all, the contradictions that make these two human beings unique and interesting would have come forth. Still worth watching for some of the best Tango numbers choreographed. But it's a pity compared to what it could have been. . .
All in all - for tango lovers, the dance scenes are worth watching again and again. ... Read more | |
| 5. Shall We Dance Director: Peter Chelsom | |
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Reviews (2)
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| 6. A Man Called Peter Director: Henry Koster | |
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| 7. Bear in the Big Blue House - Potty Time with Bear Director: Richard A. Fernandes, Mitchell Kriegman | |
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Amazon.com Reviews (119)
Read more reviews on Bear products by prestidigitatr at epinions.com
There is lots of confusing and unnecessary blah, blah, blah before they get into the subject and the song lyrics are quite complicated for a 2 year old to fully understand what he's supposed to do. The part where kids are encouraged to wipe, flush and wash hands is important but I would have been better if they had shown the character do it and not just hear from behind a door.
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| 8. The Lion King Director: Rob Minkoff, Roger Allers | |
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Amazon.com essential video Reviews (339)
With both Lion King and Sleeping Beauty being newly released on DVD right now, if you can only get one of them, there is no question this is by far the better choice. The impressive animation, the story, the fantastic sound, the extras are all superior in this Lion King package. This still isn't my favorite Disney release (Roger Rabbit will always have that honor), but maybe top 5--certainly top 8. Lion King Platinum is well worth the investment for your DVD collection. Your family will get many years of enjoyment from it.
Simba is a young lion in the Serengeti(they call it the Pride Lands though) who just can't wait to be king. However, he's a mischievous little cub who gets into trouble a bit easy. When a terrible tragedy strikes, Simba exiles himself where he meets a warthog and meerkat and develops a carefree lifestyle. Now an adult, he returns to the Pride Lands to reclaim the throne from his evil uncle, Scar. Sounds a bit like Hamlet huh? But you won't care. Many impossibly catchy songs, funny moments and jokes and words that even appeal to adults(do you really think a kid would understand "illustrating the differences in your royal mangerial approaches"? Exactly.) Voice acting is top notch, animation is absolutely gorgeous, and it's done by hand by the way, none of that Finding Nemo/Toy Story/A Bug's Life CGI stuff. There's a reason why this is considered the best Disney film but you owe it to yourself to find out why.
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