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| 1. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones Director: George Lucas | |
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Reviews (1926)
First, I would open the movie where the main character of the movie -The Jedi- freefalls some 10,000 stories in a sprawling metropolis, all the while narrowly missing multitudes of careening hovercrafts which literally filled the sky, only to finally land safely inside one of them just in the nick of time, nanoseconds before he was about to slam into the ground. Secondly, I would include the most bland, personality-less, emotionally-uninspiring actors and actresses I could find. Also, I would incorporate pseudo-Greek cultural and archeological elements throughout the movie (which had no relevancy to the sci-fi theme of the movie) so as to confuse the viewer as to what planet...or planets the movie was taking place in...or what universe and epoch(s) for that matter. I'd include several pseudo-romantic scenes where there wasn't an iota of emotion or chemistry between the two love birds and whose forced, stimulated 'romantic scenes' seemed to serve no purpose, either. I would then attempt to completely destroy...annhilate the original Star Wars's sacred notion of the force -as being stimulated and channeled by spirituality and mind over matter- and any drama associated with it as well. MY notion would be that the measure of one's force can be determined by analyzing mitochondrial DNA samples to tally the number of antibodies present in the protoplasm. Next, I would blow away the concept of the original Star Wars's wimpy 2-jedi battle scenes with an epic magnitude-12 mega battle scene which consisted of 10,000 jedis and 100,000 jedi foes engaged in flipping-through the-air somersault kung fu moves that render the likes of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and all '70s special-effects-laden Chinese kung fu flics obsolete. You thought that Luke Skywalker jumping 10 feet out of a carbon freeze container was cool? Could Luke Skywalker stay airborne for 10 seconds all the while throwing barrages of backroundhouse kicks and punches? Screw that punchless Luke Skywalker single-blade lightsaber. Behold, I introduce the double-edged light saber which all jedis are equipped with. FULLY FUNCTIONAL AND OPERATIONAL. Only an elite and intelligent class of human being can be a jedi? Not anymore. Any living, crawling, oozing intelligence-devoid parasite, wingless bat or orc -of any gender-can be a jedi. Finally, I would end the movie with Kung Fu/Force-Master Yoda defeating the Master Evil Jedi with triple and quintuple cartwheel backroundhouse kicks and punches, while airborne, and lightning-fast Tae Kwan Do slaps and curled finger combinations that would put Jackie Chan to shame. The very last scene of the movie would end with the Evil Jedi Master becoming so angry, because of his defeat, that his head grew to the size of a large balloon, then exploded with the force of 20 grenades. Maybe I'd include that scene only in the UNCUT version. The result: The sci-fi sequel to "Big Trouble in Little China" -Big Trouble in Little Greece: Attack Of The Kung Fu Robots...or as some people may prefer to call it -Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clones.
Best Parts: That's it. Everything else in these films is an utter joke. I could go on for many paragraphs, but I'll spare you. You gotta realize that there was a reason George didn't direct Empire or Jedi. He's an awful director. He has no ear for dialogue. The newer digital film process looks really awful. Only good ol' George could manage to waste the talents of Christopher Lee, Sam Jackson, Ewan McGregor, and Natalie Portman. And I think Hayden Christensen is the only other actor who possesses Keanu Reeves' atrocious wooden technique. His Anakin doesn't possess darkness, just stupidity. I hope Lucas gets a tumor in that fat double chin of his. If you don't like it, sue me. He's destroyed the meaning of my childhood favorites, so the hell with him. Do you really think the next film is going to make up for it? Only if it's about four hours long and is directed by someone else.
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| 2. Harry and the Hendersons Director: William Dear | |
![]() | list price: $9.98
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Amazon.com Reviews (16)
This movie is about a family who is visited by big foot. The acting in this movie is amazing! The charcters responded so realisticly. I know this is supposed to be a comedy, but the actors responded so realistcly to having a big foot living in their house. Thats the way I would have acted if it was really happening to me. Well, not much can be said about this movie. It basicly speakes for it itself. ENJOY
All kidding aside, I loved this flick when I was a kid. We had a VHS copy of the film, and my brothers and I wore it out something nuts. HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS is a family film. It's great for children and people who have yet to accept the fact that unicorns, Bigfeet and the Loch Ness Monster are "pretend." Meanwhile, you and your friends might enjoy picking this monster up from video stores on a rainy night when you just feeling like laughing at extreme silliness. I mean, c'mon guys, we're talking about some folks that run over a sasquatch and take it back to suburbia where it becomes a part of the family. If that won't make you laugh, I just don't know what will. I'm laughing just thinking about it. The part when Harry gets into the car and his head makes the roof bulge up, because he's so tall and big and strong..... golly that's just the best! Well, John Lithgow (FOOTLOSE; SHREK) may be one of the best banjo players this side of Uranus, but all that fingerpicking sure doesn't get in the way of his fathering/acting skills. He's constantly caught between doing what he thinks would be best for his family and his compassion for imaginary, Harries. However, when Jacques LaFleur (David Suchet - GREYSTOKE; A PERFECT MURDER), a hunter out for Bigfoot blood, starts sniffing the sasquatch trail, Harry and co. are forced to recruit Dr. Wallace Wrightwood (Don Ameche - TRADING PLACES; COCOON), a Bigfoot enthusiast, and flee to the hills to save Harry. Isn't that a unique tail? While the film is a winner in many ways, one can't escape the fact that Bigfoot is not a real creature! This staggering statement can't be ignored. Throughout the film, you just can't help but laugh and comment, "Hang on just a darn second! Now, that's not real. There's no such thing as Bigfoot." And, then you'd laugh out loud and smack yourself on the knee. Overall, HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS is a must-own rental for anyone with a flare for cheesy movies about nonsensically impossible creatures and the families they love. ... Read more | |
| 3. Shirley Valentine Director: Lewis Gilbert (II) | |
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Amazon.com Reviews (57)
With such a wickedly creative and funny movie I only wonder what's taking them so long making it in to a DVD? See this movie over and over. There are few stories in life so well told. And there's a little Shirley Valentine in all of us...if we're lucky. ... Read more | |
| 4. The Incredibles Director: Brad Bird | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Amazon.com essential video Bird has his cake and eats it, too. He and the Pixar wizards send up superhero and James Bond movies while delivering a thrilling, supercool action movie that rivals Spider-Man 2 for 2004's best onscreen thrills. While it's just as funny as the previous Pixar films, The Incredibles has a far wider-ranging emotional palette (it's Pixar's first PG film). Bird takes several jabs, including some juicy commentary on domestic life ("It's not graduation, he's moving from the fourth to fifth grade!"). The animated Parrs look and act a bit like the actors portraying them, Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter. Samuel L. Jackson and Jason Lee also have a grand old time as, respectively, superhero Frozone and bad guy Syndrome. Nearly stealing the show is Bird himself, voicing the eccentric designer of superhero outfits ("No capes!"), Edna Mode. Nominated for four Oscars, The Incredibles won for Best Animated Film and, in an unprecedented win for non-live-action films, Sound Editing. The Presentation The Extras Brad Bird still sounds like a bit of an outsider in his commentary track, recorded before the movie opened. Pixar captain John Lasseter brought him in to shake things up, to make sure the wildly successful studio would not get complacent. And while Bird is certainly likable, he does not exude Lasseter's teddy-bear persona. As one animator states, "He's like strong coffee; I happen to like strong coffee." Besides a resilient stance to be the best, Bird threw in an amazing number of challenges, most of which go unnoticed unless you delve into the 70 minutes of making-of features plus two commentary tracks (Bird with producer John Walker, the other from a dozen animators). We hear about the numerous sets, why you go to "the Spaniards" if you're dealing with animation physics, costume problems (there's a reason why previous Pixar films dealt with single- or uncostumed characters), and horror stories about all that animated hair. Bird's commentary throws out too many names of the! !animators even after he warns himself not to do so, but it's a lively enough time. The animator commentary is of greatest interest to those interested in the occupation. There is a 30-minute segment on deleted scenes with temporary vocals and crude drawings, including a new opening (thankfully dropped). The "secret files" contain a "lost" animated short from the superheroes' glory days. This fake cartoon (Frozone and Mr. Incredible are teamed with a pink bunny) wears thin, but play it with the commentary track by the two superheroes and it's another sharp comedy sketch. There are also NSA "files" on the other superheroes alluded to in the film with dossiers and curiously fun sound bits. "Vowellet" is the only footage about the well-known cast (there aren't even any obligatory shots of the cast recording their lines). Author/cast member Sarah Vowell (NPR's This American Life) talks about her first foray into movie voice-overs--daughter Violet--and the unlikelihood of her being a superhero. The feature is unlike anything we've seen on a Disney or Pixar DVD extra, but who else would consider Abe Lincoln an action figure? --Doug Thomas More Incredibles at Amazon.ca !-- end6pak --> The Pixar Feature Films More Animation DVDs !-- end6pak --> More Superheroes on DVD Also from Filmmaker Brad Bird Reviews (281)
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